i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
