I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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