I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
