he thought i was a dude.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
