I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
