Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
