I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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