my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
