Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
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There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
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I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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