I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
