A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Randomize
