You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
