That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
