Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
