11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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