The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
