i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
