hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I pour the whiskey from now on
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
