I just pynch a tree in the face
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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