Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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