Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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