Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
