so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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