Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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