If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
