How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
