Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
