You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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