True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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