she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
