I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
