He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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