I can tuck mytits in my pants
my being single is dangerous.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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