Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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