Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
