I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
