On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
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