my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
