Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
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Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
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We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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