it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
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Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
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Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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