I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
