I heard we made out
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It happened again.
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.