Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.