i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
