I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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