apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
