If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
