Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
