Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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