i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Even my vagina gasped.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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