she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
