Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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