I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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