i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Dick very happy bro
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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