Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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